This week was one of the toughest ones for me in this DukeEngage experience. Besides the trivial issues of the VPN not working on my computer and typical exhaustion and frustration from the heat, my plumbing problems, and handling a few unresponsive or disruptive students, I confronted and reflected on a few of the nagging issues I had tried to ignore and dismiss in previous weeks.
For one, I've been feeling like I haven't been taking advantage of this immersive experience to the fullest. Every day when I go home, I'm tired and don't feel like walking to the park after dinner with my host parents. My host brother also immediately goes to his room to do homework on the weekdays, so I feel like I haven't fully connected with him. I also feel like I always frequent the same places in Zhuhai. I walk the same path home and to school every day and go to the streets to get food. I feel like I am missing something and not making the most of my time here. But perhaps that is just me setting too high expectations for myself here. I should not feel like I should have epiphanies every day, see extraordinary things, or have my life completely changed by my time here. I already have learned more about myself and Chinese culture, and I have improved my interpersonal and teaching skills. I believe I shouldn't worry about the result of the program but should instead just enjoy every day, live in the moment, and continue reflecting on my experiences so I can see if there was any gradual shift in my outlook of the world I am living in.
Recently, I have also enjoyed experiencing Zhuhai on my own more than doing so in a group. I wanted to move at my own pace, visit the places I wanted to, and reflect alone. I admit to being frustrated and irked at times when spending time with the entire group and wanted to be by myself or in a smaller group setting. I realize that I was unfair to my group mates and should not have set standards nor should I have been turned off by our differences. I know it is natural for me to feel uncomfortable engaging with people of different backgrounds, upbringings, and cultures, but I can use these differences to expand my worldview, improve my interpersonal skills and empathy, and grow closer to my friends with our conversations. I apologize to anyone I might have offended or hurt with my behavior or general vibe. I was not being considerate or seeing things from others' perspective enough, and it is on me. I think these past few weeks of semi-isolation have helped me realize I want to understand and connect with all people, not just the ones who are similar to me. I have missed my group mates and believe I can continue our friendships with a new mindset and renewed energy now. I hope we can start a new chapter, and I will definitely refer to my reflections in the future.
This week was also the end for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday English classes. It is crazy to think we are already almost done teaching our middle schoolers. While I will greatly miss a couple of my students, I admit that I will not miss a few others. It is a guilty thought to have, but I will try to spend the remaining time in class being the best role model I can be and staying engaged as much as possible. It is frustrating and disheartening when some of the students dismiss my lessons, but I cannot blame them as if I were in their shoes, the lessons would not be too exciting or interesting to me too. These past few weeks, I have also hung out with a few groups of students outside of class too. I preferred the experiences with smaller groups of students, as we could have more personal conversations with one another. As expected, when the groups of students got too big, the students ended up talking amongst themselves and ignored me as it was probably a lot less uncomfortable for them to talk with their classmates instead of me. I also agreed to hang out with another student this week that I was not particularly fond of. I tried to avoid agreeing to go out with the student, but after thinking about it more, I realized that I should not be this way, and I should give this student a chance. Even if I don't enjoy the experience, just spending a few hours with the student would definitely brighten his/her day, so I tried my hardest to leave a good impression with the student and engage in meaningful conversation to learn from the student too.
Lastly, I have felt a little more homesick this week. I miss my close friends, family, food and sights, and familiarity of my home. I feel a little torn between how I feel that the program is half way finished. I do enjoy my time here and am thankful to be able to live abroad for such a long time and learn more about this place and myself. I also enjoy my company and host family, but I am also excited to finally go home.