As I write these words, I am on a plane, counting the hours until I finally land back home in Hawaii. Yet before I can start a movie or drift off to sleep, I wish to give some time to reflect on my DukeEngage experience. There is something lingering in the back of my head that I just cannot pinpoint or resolve yet. This feeling of having something lingering in the back of my mind is similar to when we all said goodbye to our students and host families a few days ago. When everyone else, it seemed like, was having sentimental thoughts and even a few were crying, in the back of my mind, I could not help but be in awe at the number of people gathered at school waiting to say farewell to us Duke students. Of course there was my host parents and brother and a few students I was close with waiting with me for the bus to come, but there were countless other host families and students. It was pretty amazing to see all these people we Duke students formed relationships with and impacted. As I observed other Duke students hugging others and sharing last few words with their friends and host families, I sat next to my host brother and could not think of any inspiring to say. We just sat next to each other and I watched him play games on his phone. Surprisingly, on the last day at basically the very last moment we had together in Zhuhai, I learned something about each other: we both enjoyed playing the same game as each other in middle/high school, Clash Royale. By just staying in the moment and not worrying about having a big “ah-ha” moment, I was able to connect with my host brother over a shared love for a game and learned that this game was popular in China too.
I feel that this theme of staying in the moment and not worrying about having epiphanies or life-changing experiences is very applicable to my time in Zhuhai. For too long I believe I tried to look for realizations and experiences that would significantly change my outlook on life or mindset. I felt that I needed to have these moments or realizations for my DukeEngage experience to be a successful one. I also worried too much about things I could not or maybe should not have even spent time worrying about. I often wondered how effective and helpful of a teacher I was and the impact I had on my host community and students. I worried that I was not doing enough to help my host brother improve his English. I worried that I was not taking enough advantage of the community around me to deepen my understanding of Chinese culture. I worried that I might be offending others or giving off an “exclusive” vibe with my decisions to sometimes eat by myself to reflect quietly. I worried I was not keeping in touch with my friends and family back in Hawaii and at Duke. I worried that I was not making full use of this DukeEngage opportunity. In the end, however, I wished I had just stopped worrying about these things and just lived in the moment. As Professor Ku once said, “most problems you create yourself,” meaning when you overthink things and worry about every little thing, you create problems that actually were not there in the first place. I realize that by just living in the “now” and enjoying the present moment without worrying about future I can have a more enjoyable time and use the time and energy saved to experience new things.
Now I return back to the crying. I personally did not cry, as I very rarely do, but I was deeply touched by everyone’s reactions to us leaving. My host mother started crying and it made me sad yet happy to know that I had a positive impact on her life and hopefully left a lasting impression on her family’s life. I was moved closer to the brink of tears when I saw Darek, probably the student I was closest to and began to see as my own little brother, distraught and heard his voice break up when he asked me if I was leaving for real. It was only until after we got on the bus and several Dukies started returning home did I realize that our program was actually over, and I would probably never see the majority of my students and host family again. On the bus, I wrote messages to my host family and students. I was glad to hear that my host family might come visit Hawaii in the next couple years, but I knew this experience and time would never be recreated again. Although all of these names back in Zhuhai are just profile pictures and Chinese characters on my phone screen now, I will try my best to foster our relationships and make sure they do not become a thing of the past.
It was actually pretty crazy when the first group (Jill and Alexander) of Dukies left to fly back home. Us 12 Dukies along with Professor Ku and Yanan have been with each other for so long that it was hard to realize we were actually going off in our separate ways back home. These past two months, although sometimes feeling short, have left such a lasting impact on me that I kind of forget what life before DukeEngage was like. Will I continue rinsing my bowls and utensils with water at the table before eating? Will I check to see if my VPN is connected before searching something up on the internet? Time will tell.
These past few days have also allowed me to think about our contributions to No. 9. As others have mentioned, the students’ English probably did not improve much, the students participating in the Final Performance could not see their classmates perform, and the school had to spend lots of time, energy, and money to host us and set up the final performance. I also don’t know if my few conversations in English with my host brother warrant my host family feeding and housing me for two months.
Yet sometimes I do feel my contribution, though. Our students crying when we left and my host brother saying he sees me as his role model and goal for his studies in his video message he left for me show that we made an impact and touched these people’s lives. As I have mentioned before in previous blog posts, one of the most rewarding experiences was seeing students like Darek who, in the beginning, were not attentive during class gradually become the most engaged and enthusiastic students in the class, racing to sit at the front of the classroom and helping us Duke students translate difficult words and relay instructions after spending time with me outside of class and becoming my friend. These students told me their day was made happier because of our English classes. Moments like these ones proved that we helped to inspire these students to view learning more as a hobby and means to communicate with and understand people around the world and less so as a job and duty. In addition, we were able to provide them exposure to new perspectives, cultures, and hobbies. Just as I have learned a lot more about Chinese lifestyle and history, I am sure my host family and students have learned more about American pop culture and education system. Our extracurricular classes also allowed our students to explore new interests and build their confidence by performing in front of hundreds of people. Although the preparation and overall build-up to the final performance was a stressful and hectic one, the look of joy and pride the students had on their faces during and after their performances really touched me and put a smile on my face.
I could go on and on about things I have gained from this experience, but I will keep it to a few ones. I also know that many things gained will be more intangible and harder to put into words, only subtly showing up in my character and perspective through my gradual maturation. But I can easily list off a few. For one, I have gained eleven new friends. I do feel that I genuinely have eleven more people I can see on campus, catch up over a meal, study with, or just hang out. I believe that without DukeEngage, I definitely would not have met most of these people. Of course we have different backgrounds, interests, and cultures, but now we all share this common experience that connects us together. Especially during the last week and a half, I felt we got even closer with putting the show together and going on our personal trips and telling each other about them. It is exciting to see each other on campus again and have our Tea Time Tuesdays :). I have also learned how to improvise, problem solve, anticipate problems, work in a team, and assume a leadership role through planning and executing lesson plans with partners whether that be in English or Journalism class. Us Duke students were pretty much left with full freedom to develop our lessons and teach our students, and this experience helped me think on the fly and work with others to lead a group of students to further their knowledge and understanding. As mentioned before, especially in Journalism class, I had to improvise when lesson plans failed or did not go as expected and work with other Dukies to smoothly transition from one lesson to the next. I also gained more cultural humility through being exposed to more of Chinese history and culture. I learned more about Chinese values and perspectives through my conversations with my host family and observations of the Zhuhai community, and I realized that there are lots of similarities between Chinese and American societies. Of course, however, there are still many differences, but I learned that these differences are not necessarily good or bad. These differences in say education systems, customs, technologies, policies, and mindsets just seem to match their respective communities better and have their flaws and strengths just as any other ones would have. Lastly, I know I have gained a better sense of empathy through this experience. Whether it be empathizing with my other Dukies to try to understand their experience and help support each other or empathizing with my students to see what lesson plans would interest them the most or empathizing with my host family members to try make sure I was being as respectful and helpful to them as possible, I know I used empathy every day during my time in Zhuhai.
It is strange to think that we will be the new DukeEngage alumni invited to Professor Ku’s dinners, sharing our thoughts and advice for future groups. Right now I can understand why we saw several alumni in China and even more during the school year contributing their time back into the program. This experience has left a lasting impact on me and has given me lots to think and reflect about. I know this experience will only become more and more valuable to me as time passes by and I have more chances to realize the new friendships, mindset, perspectives, and values I have gained.
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