This is the final blog. This is the final week. Yesterday was the final performance. Yesterday was the final goodbye to one of my best friends that I made here… I am not ready for my final goodbyes later this week. :(
Confused emotions… that is the only way to describe how I felt before, during, and after the final performance, and the confusion grew stronger throughout the night. Before discussing these emotions, I must give a huge shout out to Hsiaomei, Yanan, Duke students, and No. 9 students/teachers/administrators for an amazingly fun and unforgettable experience. I am SO PROUD of everyone. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to serve as an emcee during the performance. During our closing remarks, I said “我爱九中，我爱中国” (“I love No. 9 Middle, I love China!”)… I truly love everyone here so much. 谢谢您。我很感动 (“Thank you. I am so moved”).
Getting back to my emotions now, last night was an interesting experience. I will try my best to describe my feelings as accurately as possible. Before the start of the show, I felt like a proud father as I watched my magic students enthusiastically and confidently preform magic tricks for the guests. Six students came to seven hours of magic rehearsal this week and practiced on their own time to prepare for their 45 minutes of “airtime” outside of the theater. Thank you to Magic, Moshu, Jack, Bob, and Helen for inspiring me to be a better magician… and a more confident person all around. I was feeling slightly nervous for my role as the emcee… but watching these students perform made me feel on top of the world.
The final performance itself was full of smiles, high-fives, and high spirits. The morning rehearsal had some bumps along the way, such as background files being too large to show or trying to figure out the best lighting… but everything FINALLY came together. It was such a beautiful and moving experience, especially the teacher’s performance of “Jasmine Flower”. It was so touching to see how supportive the students were of their teachers. Throughout this whole trip, especially when words have failed, I have been inspired by the possibility that art provides…
At the conclusion of the show when we were taking the final group picture, I felt genuine happiness. I felt a sense of accomplishment. I was so proud of everyone. We did it! The culmination of our 1.5 months extracurricular work with the students was a success. I gave everyone the BIGGEST hug that I could to express my gratitude and love. I took pictures with No. 9 students, No. 9 teachers/administrators, duke students, and my (HOST) MOM! Let me pause to give a shout out to her. She came to both the morning rehearsal and the final performance. On Saturday afternoon, I was feeling overwhelmed in anticipation of speaking Chinese at the final performance (it was A LOT of Chinese… luckily, we cut my Chinese parts down and translated some sections into English. This made the actual performance much smoother and…. understandable LOL than the morning rehearsal), but I felt excited Saturday night after my mom supported me and encouraged me. She believed in me when I did not. Thank you for your unconditional love and support, Mom. I hope that my heart can be as big as yours some day. :)
However, the emotional high that I had been riding throughout the early afternoon came to an end when I had to say goodbye to my good friend Annie. I met Annie at the first weekend excursion with the No. 9 students, and we have been friends ever since. Last night after the show, she left for her hometown, and she will not return until after we depart for America. It felt strange, uncomfortable, and sad to tell Annie that “I hope that I can see you again in person in a few years.” YEARS? Wow. I was not ready for that moment. My mood had shifted from being on top of the world to feeling grounded… too grounded. I felt stuck and not sure where to move or what to do next. Then, she was gone. Our friendship will continue. I am sure of it. But saying goodbye and knowing that you will not see someone for multiple years at the minimum is tough. Thank you, Annie, for inspiring me to strive to be the best version of myself. I wish that I can have as much humble confidence as you some day. Until next time… :)
Saying goodbye made me feel sad, but my mood was sparked again when my friend Celine gave me a homemade present with the numbers “520” on it. In Chinese, 520 spoken is “Wu er ling”. This sounds like “Wo ai ni”, which means I love you. I love feeling affirmed and loved, and the students make me feel that way every day. I feel like I am making a difference here by forming relationships.
These “awkward” emotions that I was experiencing, which consisted of a mix between happiness and confusion at the same time, continued at our group dinner. We ate at the same restaurant with the No. 9 administrators that we ate at during our first night in Zhuhai. I thought of the saying: “You can’t step into the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” Maybe the restaurant (river) was the same, but I sure was not the same person. Like my (OG) mom texted me last night, I don’t think the magnitude of this trip will sink in until after I return home and continue about my life, but I already feel that this experience has been so eye opening and has given me so many new perspectives to explore. DukeEngage’s motto is: “Challenge yourself. Change your world.” Enough said.
After dinner last night, I went to the park with Alexander and Andrew (and we ran into Yanan there) to watch the old men play Chinese chess together. Thank you to Alexander and Andrew for having the most spontaneous, introspective, and deep conversations with me about our personal feelings, education, politics, religion, and values. I enjoyed watching the match and pretending like I knew what the next best move was like the 15 other people standing around watching the game, but I was more focused on my emotions. I even said it out loud that “I feel so happy but sad right now.” In an email that I received from DukeEngage recently about the final weeks of our program, it said that it is common to feel grief, as if I am experiencing a major loss. In a strange way, I think grief was the best way to describe my emotion at the park. Although I had not physically parted with all the relationships/people and community that I have immersed myself in over the past two months, I felt like someone had stripped it all away from me. The performance was over. I had two more “full” days with my family. I will not be able to say goodbye to everyone that I want to. I am not ready for next weekend to come…
On the way home, Alexander, Andrew and I stopped to get milk tea. We got into a conversation with the workers about Duke and No. 9 Middle School, as one of the workers had graduated there a few years back and remembered his time with the Duke students. They gave us a student discount for being affiliated with No. 9 Middle School. This student must have enjoyed his experience enough with the Duke students for him to want to give us a discount. I thought about the impact that those students had on him, the impact that he had on those Duke students, and I wonder if my relationships from this year will have the same bidirectional impact…
After returning home, I played Chinese chess with my sister. It was a fairly even match until dad came downstairs and joined Telly’s team… I was quickly defeated after that LOL. But it was not about winning or losing… it never was with anything that I have engaged in here. It was about embracing the moment and our time together. When I was playing chess with Telly, my head felt weird. My emotions felt even more jumbled than before. I wanted to spill my heart to Telly and tell her how happy, silly, loving, and inspired that she has made me feel every day. I wanted to get up and give her the biggest hug that I could. I wanted to sit and silence and have that moment last a lifetime. I love my family beyond words. They have impacted me so much. I do not even know what I mean by that… I can’t verbalize it right now, but it is a feeling that I have. Thank you, Mom, Dad, Telly, and Ted.
Lastly, I felt the most emotionally confused when I was watching the Women’s World Cup Final with my mom and Telly. Shout-out to USA for winning against the Netherlands (2-0). Mom and Telly stayed up until 12:45 AM to watch the game with me. #GOATs. Towards the end of the game, I do not know how the conversation started but we began to talk about my departure. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but I remember my mom telling me (through the translator) that she was thinking about our meals together: seven left, then six, now five… I said that I am an emotional person so there will probably be a lot of tears next weekend. My mom said that she could not even begin to think about next weekend and that she was not ready to let that happen. I then spoke into the translator and said that I wish that we had more time together this week (as from Tuesday -Thursday this week I will be away on a short cultural enrichment trip, leaving us only with Monday and Friday together) and that I was not leaving for a few days. I reached across Telly, who sat in the middle of me and my mom on the couch, to hand the phone to my mom. I was watching the game, so it took me a second to realize that mom was not grabbing the phone to look at the translated message. I glanced over, and I saw her watery eyes with a tear in the corner. She did not know what I had to say, but she could not read it. Telly looked over at mom, and she, too, understood the situation. I put the phone away and put my arm around Telly and my mother, and even leaned my head over to rest on Telly’s head. Despite our excited mood and conversation throughout the first 80 minutes of the soccer game, we watched the last ten minutes in relative silence. I felt confused. Like I said, I am an emotional person, but I did not feel like crying. I did not feel happy. I did not feel sad. I did not feel… much at all. Again, maybe I felt a little bit of grief. I felt confused. But… I do know exactly how my mom felt.
After the game ended, Telly quickly went to bed. I gave my mom a hug as she still had tears in her eyes. It felt like it should have been a long embrace, but my mother quickly said 睡觉 (sleep). I prepared a message when she left the room briefly, which read that I was thankful beyond words for her love and support. When she returned to the room, she read this message and again repeated 睡觉. We both needed to go to bed before any flood gates opened…
Again, this is the final blog. This is the final week. Yesterday was the final performance. Yesterday was the final goodbye to one of my best friends that I made here… I am not ready for my final goodbyes later this week. :( I now feel like I have more questions than answers: What was my impact in the community? How can I use the lessons and perspectives that I have gained here in my life? What is my purpose/”calling” in life? What truly makes me happy? How can I best continue the relationships that I made here? When will I see my friends again? How can American learn from the success and positives of China? Are all people essentially the same? Why do we focus on and hate because of our differences rather than embrace and love each other because of our similarities as human beings? …
I have many more unanswered questions. I feel confused right now. Feelings of happiness and loss mixed together is an interesting combination. I want to thank DukeEngage for their generous contributions and for providing the resources to make this opportunity possible. I want to thank Hsiaomei and Yanan for fearlessly, wholeheartedly, and selflessly leading the group throughout the past two months. I want to thank the Duke students for making me feel accepted and loved for who I am. I want to thank my (host) family for showing me unconditional love and support and for showing me how to live life to the fullest. I want to thank the No. 9 teachers and administrators for all their efforts to produce an experience of a lifetime for the No. 9 and Duke students yesterday at the final performance. I want to thank Zhuhai, and China in general, for showing me a different way of living life, opening my eyes to new perspectives, and facilitating enduring and genuine relationships.
我爱九中。我爱珠海。我爱中国。我现在在这里有个家。谢谢您。我很感动。
(I love No. 9 Middle School. I love Zhuhai. I love China. I now have a home here. Thank you. I am moved.)
Please feel free to contact me at wesley.pritzlaff@duke.edu or +1 (919) 538-5627 to talk with me about my experience. Thank you for reading my blog and your commitment to my journey. <3
