During this week, I hit some of the lowest points and really questioned what I was doing here. Firstly, I had a fever and was feeling less than 100 per cent. But that was ok, because at least I could still do what I was here for- to teach. The activity this week went far better than I expected; by each person having to translate one word at a time, I realised how they really began to understand the nuances of the English language (like where to put ‘to’ ‘the’ and ‘a’ and self-corrected to fit the proper tense), as after each incorrect response, a different person started the sentence, which required all to listen closely and dynamically respond. They all seemed to enjoy the activity, and were cooperating to achieve a good score. Singing class went a bit better than I expected, and the people in the jazz group seem to at least want to learn.
But everything else was surreally unpleasant. Not because it was terrible, but because it was in the uncanny valley of unexpected during what I consider to be a fantasy holiday (doing what I enjoy while learning about a language that means a lot to me). Though I wanted to embrace Chinese medicine while I was here, it took just as long for it to clear my illness as it normally does when I travel, and it was much more uncomfortable. Taking medication far beats sweating constantly, drinking hot liquids constantly, and having medicinal tea. It was a fascinating experience and I’m almost glad I got to peer into ancient Chinese medicine, but it seemed like it hindered my recovery.
Our Dragon Boat Festival trip was anything but a holiday. Before even leaving, there were already problems. We had to fill out a form saying where we were going and what we were doing, but I was given absolutely no information except that the mom claimed she already told Professor Ku. But I still needed that form. Some of the Duke students lament over the fact that their family’s English capability is lacking so they are often ill-informed of their plans, but this is not the case. Despite me asking in Chinese, I was given no information.
So when we arrived at a resort, I didn’t know what to think. This was a lavish villa, which must have cost a fortune, but I thought we were going to see the hustle and bustle of the city of Shenzhen, a major economic force, but we went to a waterpark instead. I should have felt very thankful that they were willing to spend so much money on me that which I did not deserve, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed; I came here to see things uniquely Chinese, while I could enjoy a water park at home. At the hotel, there was an incident where my host brother left his room card locked in the room, so I gave him mine. But when I wanted to enter the room, despite my calling and knocking, there was no answer. I ended up asking the service desk to unlock it, and when I went in, he provided no explanation of why he didn’t answer the door, nor did he offer an apology. This hampered what was left of my expectations for the trip.
Secondly, the VPN caused all sorts of trouble last week. It just didn’t work, which is a problem if your parents expect regular calls from you. So while I spent my free time fiddling with the programme to get it to work, my parents and Professor Ku were getting more frustrated with me, and I couldn’t even explain to them that I was really trying to contact them; all they could see was a disobedient child who is unfilial. This has been a common theme throughout my life, and unfortunately it has resurfaced again. The worst part was when a similar incident happened right before I left for Zhuhai, and Professor Ku helped me through it, and suddenly said that she agrees with my parents that it is my fault versus earlier taking my side. Crushed, all I could think of doing was ensuring I did the best possible job teaching, and realising the goal of this programme is not to be at home, but in the classroom giving my students a unique experience.
But even that wasn’t a pleasant experience. Towards the end of the week after I finally had recovered and got into the groove for teaching something unexpected (and to me horrible) happened. Firstly, I must preface this; it is entirely my fault for being overly butthurt and not listening to Professor Ku’s advice of ‘don’t take yourself too seriously.’ Especially since my mom is a fantastic maths teacher, I wanted to be the best teacher I could be; coming up with some creative and novel ways students can think about English. While we cater the lessons to the skill level of the class (I think all the Duke students have done a marvellous job doing so) we expect 7-8 kids in the class, and the same kids every week. I take my job very seriously, and plan my lessons exactly around what we have learnt, with what I have seen kids when learning English, and with what I see Duke students struggling over when learning Chinese (for instance large numbers work under a different classification system in Chinese, which takes getting used to, so I plan to get the kids familiar with that during ‘shopping.’) But out of nowhere, I was absolutely baffled when one student blatantly said to me “I’m taking this student and her friend, so you’re down to kids.”
Why didn’t the children ask me themselves; whilst the Duke student eventually apologised, in the moment I found it to be extremely disrespectful and extraordinarily attacking. Especially since I was portrayed as the villain in front of the Duke students when the person said I was being mean. I just don’t understand. Why was this ever even fathomed as being acceptable to do when class was already in session? Why was I told to calm down, when the person who did it receive no reprimand. I’m quite used to being the outcast, and it’s my fault for not being more open with the group, but I didn’t think I deserved to be treated like that. Despite it being perceived as a small matter to everyone else, I thought that since this was our main purpose here to teach, and I have poured my heart and soul into teaching, that was completely uncalled for, and was the last straw for me. I was angry, sad, and confused all at once. I called my parents (the VPN finally worked) and asked what I should do. It was so bad, that I really wanted to change families to a more outgoing sibling, because despite my prying and prying to make a connection with this child, he refused. It is especially difficult when you look at the other host families and see the wonderful connections they have made and the fun they have; you can’t help but feel like a failure. Which pretty much sums up how I feel about this week and myself at this point- one big giant failure. Professor Ku continuously harped about how great this family was, but after carefully examining the family, I just can’t see it. I really tried to understand why each person acts like they do, but I can’t live in the family the way Professor Ku hopes. Failure 1. Next, never quite fitting in with Duke students. Failure 2. Health- Failure 3. Losing children to another teacher (what can you think except you’re not good enough and you have failed them?) Failure 4. Neither home, nor the classroom, nor the office seem to be welcoming places for me, which explains why I often practice piano by myself, or play badminton with the students. When you’re not that outgoing in a society where the children generally aren’t outgoing in a mature fashion, it’s hard to think you’re getting somewhere.